Sunday, October 2, 2011

with all my heart I'm sure


Every year as October gets closer I always find myself replaying the events of that day over and over in my head.  It runs like a movie.   I remember ballroom class every detail of that day.  Every detail starting with ballroom class. I can't remember anything that happened before ballroom class.

I remember it was Simone Healey who brought in the note to check Cam and I out of school.
I remember hearing Cam's words "it will all be okay" as we walked down the stairs from the studio.
I remember seeing my mom standing in her scrubs by the attendance office as we crossed the commons.
I remember stepping into the "1" and seeing Shane next to my mom. 
I remember my heart skipping a beat because thats when I knew something was wrong.
And I remember the way each word sounded as it came out of her mouth.
"Kids, your dad is gone."

That was, the longest week of my life.  Everything was happening and I didn't understand, or refused to understand most of it.  I remember it being a week of immense pain and sorrow, but so many blessings. I look back now and see that even though he left his body, he had to have been with us the whole time. I see the ways that he comforted us in that awful time.  And i still see the ways he watches over us now.

Every year since he has passed, there have been so many incredible things that have happened around the anniversary and this year has been no different.

 A few weeks ago at swiss days I ordered a necklace.  The lady who ran the booth told me that they had been overwhelmed by the popularity of the booth and because of that my order would take at least six weeks to get to me.  They told me they would ship my necklace and I should expect it around October 14.  I hadn't really thought about my necklace since I ordered it. So it was quite to my surprise friday afternoon when i saw a small package addressed to me in the mailbox. 

Sure enough, I had received my necklace two weeks early.
The necklace is perfect, everything I had wanted and exactly what I needed.

My next little miracle came in my favorite blonde form.

The evening of my dad's death my whole family came over to my house. Keep in mind my dad was the oldest of seven children.  I was standing on my front lawn being greeted by my aunts and uncles with hugs that were just a little too long when mallory came up to me.  All she said was "come on we're going on a walk."  Mal and I walked for a good two hours. She talked, and I sobbed. Even when it got dark and started to rain, we still walked.  My favorite thing in the world about Mallory is that she can just talk. Talk about everything, and talk about nothing all at the same time. And even when her words are completely unrelated to whatever I am going through, she makes me feel better.


Mallory has been in India for the past two months. Our chats have been temporarily reduced to long e mails and well timed facebook messages.  But on Saturday morning at 7:15am I received a call from an unknown number, and sure enough it was my Mallory. Our conversation was short and sweet. And the second she hung up I started crying. Just because it was exactly what I needed. She carries this magic in her voice, that is bound to make any one around her feel better. And by around her I mean, half way around the world.  I have no idea if Mallory realized what this weekend was or not, but either way, I'm glad she called.

And my most important miracle was provided to me by not only my Biological father, but My Heavenly Father. 

With help from these two dorks.

Friday evening Melissa called me and asked if I would like to go to the saturday afternoon session of General conference with her and The Bradster. I of course jumped at the opportunity, and at the time, I didn't even realize how important to me it would be.  Sitting in that conference center Saturday afternoon, and feeling the spirit so strongly, and knowing that even though its been a while, my dad is just down the street and around the corner, makes this all so much easier.  I am so grateful for my knowledge of the gospel, and for my knowledge that I am sealed for all eternity to my parents, and that I will see my dad again.  For now he is just watching from above.

"The people who don't see the most, see that I believe in ghosts. If that makes me crazy than I am, because I believe. Oh I believe."